Commentary: Let’s zip it with cell-phone cacophony

The other day a very important man, or at least a man who wanted to let the rest of us to think he was a very important man, was yelling into his cell-phone aboard the 5:23 out of Manhattan.

Joe PIsani

Joe PIsani

With the number of clients he was calling, I thought he was a stock broker or an insurance salesman or political pollster.

“ROB, HI ROB, KENT HERE, JUST GOT BACK FROM ST. BARTS, YEAH. I WAS THERE FOR TWO WEEKS, GREAT! GREAT! GREAT!

“SURE, MAYBE IT’S SOMETHING WE CAN FIX YOU UP WITH. NOW, ABOUT THOSE NON-CONVERTIBLE DEBENTURES…”

Deliver us from evil. Is there anything more annoying than someone doing business on the cell-phone right next to you? Yes there is — teenagers talking about their love lives in explicit X-rated terms, which I didn’t learn about until I was 31 and which I won’t repeat since this is a family newspaper.

 

Get control of the situation

I’m praying that the people who run the railroad, and who just raised my monthly fare 5%, get control of this situation. They obviously can’t get the trains to run on time, so this is the least they can do.

In addition, the feds should learn from this debacle and not allow cell-phone conversations aboard flights. Whoever is responsible for that decision — the FAA, the DOT, the CIA or the ASPCA — should take heed.

Listening to someone else’s cell-phone conversations has to be one of the most annoying torments known to man and woman, and it’s even worse when you’re in a confined space like the train, a restaurant, church, a prison cell or hospital bed.

Nobody wants to hear about your nasty boss or your bonus. And nobody wants to hear how much you love your boyfriend or your Chihuahua. I never realized eavesdropping could be so annoying.

 

In the bathroom, no less

I can’t stand when I go into the men’s room and have to listen to some guy in the stall talking to his girlfriend about what club they’re going to that night, their party plans and their love of Patron (an upscale tequila).

If former New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg could ban trans-fats, Big Gulp and smoking in public parks, we ought to be able to ban phone calls in the men’s room.

But cell-phone rules are almost impossible to enforce. Metro-North says extended conversations have to be conducted in the “vestibule,” but commuters ignore that rule. Instead, they sit in their seats and drive others to distraction.

The other day, a fellow in the so-called “quiet car” was calling to inquire about his mother’s health. Now, that’s a really important topic, I admit, and I hope his mother’s health is improving, but rules are rules, and the rules say no talking, so zip it. Where was the conductor anyway?

 

Please, no cell-phone calls on flights

All of which means to say changing the rules to allow cell-phone calls on flights would be a disaster. And even though the relaxing of the Federal Communications Commission regulations will allow “games” on your smartphone and other activities, you know darn well phones are going to be ringing.

There will be emergency calls. There will be secretive calls in the lavatories, and there will be all kinds of headaches that will ultimately lead to rioting, delayed flights and screaming.

 

Others agree with me

Delta has said that whatever the federal regulators decide, there will be no calls on their flights because it would be disruptive to others. A majority of their customers who were surveyed agreed.

And a poll by Quinnipiac University determined that by a two-to-one margin, Americans oppose relaxing the 22-year-old ban on calls above 10,000 feet.

Can you imagine the chaos that will erupt if two million passengers a day get the green light to make calls? The hysterics will be worse than a Knicks game at Madison Square Garden — at least at the Garden, the yelling is so loud that nobody bothers to use their phone.

 

Joe Pisani, who grew up in Shelton’s Pine Rock neighborhood, may be reached at [email protected]

 

 

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