There’s been a lot of excitement since the New Hampshire primary, when Bernie laid a glove on Hillary and the Republican establishment started tottering like the Roman Republic, so you probably missed a major news development out of Russia that could have repercussions for the presidential race that will affect us for generations to come.
The headline said it all: “Russian Opposition Political Leader Attacked by Men with Cake.”
This, of course, is the type of thing you’d expect to occur during March Madness at UConn or Halloween in Manhattan, but not in a Moscow restaurant.
Former Prime Minister Mikhail Kasyanov (a lot of these politicians are named Mikhail, and I suspect that if Hillary changed her name to Mikhail Clinton, she might do better on Super Tuesday) was sitting in a Moscow eatery, when 10 men stormed in and threatened to kill him … with a cake.
Clearly, this kind of activity should be taken seriously in Russia, where being an opposition leader can increase your mortality rate, but here in the land of the free and home of the frivolous, our politicians always enjoy having a laugh or two at someone else’s expense — usually the taxpayer’s.
I was inspired by this story. As you know, in America we have a long tradition of throwing cream pies, so perhaps to continue the zaniness that has characterized this presidential race, we should adopt this Russian cum vaudeville custom in the pursuit of national merriment and economic stimulation and add yet another dimension of absurdity to the political process.
You see, the more cakes and pies you throw at politicians, the more the baked goods industry will have to produce, and some companies like Hostess and Little Debbie could create a niche product just for election season.
Given all the new and exciting and utterly strange things that have been occurring during this campaign, I believe the American public and the candidates themselves would welcome an opportunity to release some tension in a slapstick kind of way. It would endear them to voters and pastry chefs everywhere.
Consider the possibilities. Instead of Bill Clinton whining about Bernie Sanders’ attacks on Hillary, he could creep up at a campaign appearance in say, Bronxville, N.Y., or the Bronx, and smear a large chocolate mousse in Sanders’ puss and skip away chortling at his accomplishment like Roger Rabbit or Br’er Rabbit. What hilarity, no pun intended!
And instead of being so insulting when Marco Rubio kept saying, “Barack Obama knows exactly what he is doing,” Chris Christie could have heaved a strawberry shortcake right in Marco’s pie hole and run off guffawing to his home state of New Jersey to make sure the bridge traffic wasn’t backing up again. Look on the bright side — if Donald Trump is elected, he can appoint Christie as the head of the Department of Transportation.
Of course, Rubio needs to redeem himself, perhaps by lying in wait for President Obama and slamming him in the kisser with a New York cheese cake, while uttering, “You know exactly what you are doing!”
As part of the primary season, we should schedule regular cake tossings. I bet Hillary Clinton would love to go after Gloria Steinem and Madeleine Albright with peach cobblers for not being too bright with their comments about young women supporting Sanders because “that’s where the boys are.”
And everyone who has ever been insulted by Donald Trump — animal, vegetable, mineral or politician — could line up and in rapid fire hurl cupcakes at him, because it would otherwise require too many sheet cakes and could paralyze the baking industry.
The Russkies have it right. Politics is nonsense anyway, or perhaps absurdity, so why pretend otherwise? As that famous Russian, Maria Antoinette, once said about politicians, “Let them eat cake!”
So get to work at your Fisher Price ovens and start making cakes and pies, or perhaps we could buy those Friendly’s Jubilee Rolls that are colored red, white and blue, and in the same spirit of patriotism demonstrated by Lady Gaga during her Super Bowl performance, distribute them for tossing at political rallies and every primary and political convention between now and November.
In addition, I encourage all candidates to get BACK into the race, Christie, Fiorina, Graham, and let’s bring in new ones like Joe Biden, because the more politicians we have, the more cakes and pies!
OK, America, let’s prepare for Super Tuesday and the southern primaries. Warm up your ovens. For South Carolina, I plan to concoct a tasty pecan pie. It’s all part of the wonderful tradition we call “interactive democracy in action.” And God bless America.
Contact Joe Pisani at email@example.com.