This is something they should have discussed in the presidential debates once they got sex out of the way. And forget about the wall across the border because we’re headed for a mega-immigration problem — aliens from another planet, who won’t be waiting in line to go through Customs and an opportunity to shake President Obama’s hand.
While I reading the morning news, I saw a headline that said, “Billionaires and brains looking for alien life.” This venture was orchestrated by physicist Stephen Hawking who has opinions on everything from Donald Trump to black holes; Mark Zuckerberg, the Facebook mastermind and probably an alien in disguise, and Russian entrepreneur Yuri Milner.
I always worry when someone is described as an “entrepreneur.” To my thinking, that’s a person who doesn’t have a day job and likes to fool around with other people’s money on projects that go kaput. And while I’m on the topic, does Zuckerberg think he can get more Facebook followers in outer space?
I confess that my scientific knowledge is limited, second only to my entrepreneurial skills. I barely passed Earth Science; however, I was a finalist in the eighth-grade Nobel Prizes for creating a model of Mt. Vesuvius that erupted lava and had sounds of screaming Romans.
According to an interview I read in the Daily Mail, the project will be looking for signs of life on a planet a mere four light years away, which is equivalent to 25 trillion gazillion mega-million miles. For those of you with no aptitude for science, let me explain. The time it takes for us to travel one light year is equal to the time it takes to get enough interest from your savings account to buy a Big Mac. Or conversely, you can bicycle one light year in the same time it will take for your Social Security payments to finance a vacation at a one-star hotel in Havana.
Now that you grasp the dimensions of this challenge, I’ll tell you about the planet they’re targeting. “Proxima b” is a rocky orb with conditions similar to those on earth, which means there are Planet Pizza franchises, and Popeye’s Louisiana Kitchen will open soon. They like Cajun food out there.
Stephen Hawking, himself a patron of Popeye’s, has warned that it’s vital for us to find the aliens before they find us, probably because they’ll attack Earthlings with a vengeance just like those creepy clowns that jump out of the woods and dumpsters. (That’s another topic Hawking should explore.)
This $100-million project, which is called “Breakthrough Listen,” will rely on the most powerful telescopes at Parkes Observatory in Australia to listen for messages from alien life. It will also transmit sounds from our planet that capture the essence of the wonderful world we inhabit, such as Christina Aguilera’s memorable rendition of the “Star-Spangled Banner” at Super Bowl XLV, several Lady Gaga tunes that sound as if they were written by and for aliens, and popular hits by Tony Orlando and Dawn, which recently made the intergalactic Top 100.
Right about now you’re probably suffering the same kind of anxiety Donald Trump feels when he thinks about the Mexican border, which means you’re asking questions like: If the aliens invade Earth, should I cancel my Planet Fitness membership … or will their healthcare plan reimburse me? Do you think the aliens will assume loans from reputable, and irreputable, lending institutions? Will they contribute to the Clinton Foundation? And, most importantly, could they please invade the Connecticut General Assembly and give us some tax relief?
I’m worried because the three biggest brains and wallets in the world are trying to lure aliens out into the open. Aliens are probably already monitoring our top-secret defense systems and Hillary Clinton’s emails, which means they know the bad news — Johnny Depp and Brad Pitt are divorced, and the Mets didn’t make the playoffs.
Furthermore, I suspect the aliens, and not the Russians, are responsible for hacking the Democratic National Committee servers and the Kim Kardashian jewelry robbery, not to mention the Wells Fargo scandal, where they created phony accounts and — you guessed it — gave them to aliens, and I don’t mean illegal aliens.
These are issues of the highest national security. Instead of an outright invasion, they might take a subtler approach and infiltrate our government, not to mention social media, so be sure to monitor your Facebook account for suspicious activity … because you never know.
Contact Joe Pisani at email@example.com.