By now you’ve heard of the national crisis that threatens to bring down America — and I don’t mean the presidential election. I mean the spread of creepy clown sightings all across this great land of ours.
Clown Armageddon is upon us, and as one law-enforcement official said, it’s turning into a “global clown crisis” that will have implications far greater than Brexit.
Perhaps you, yourself, have seen one of these sinister clowns, lurking on the edge of the woods, trying to lure unsuspecting curiosity seekers, stray dogs and super models to their doom. Or prowling around dumpsters to scare you when you open the lid, looking for treasures. Or lurking around the ATM machine when you’re withdrawing cash for your spouse’s belated anniversary gift. Creepy clowns have no ethics. Some news commentators have suggested they are actually politicians in disguise, releasing pent up tension from this election season.
We Americans are prone to anxiety. We’re suffering more agita now than we did during the Cold War, not to mention March Madness. Don’t we already have enough to keep us awake at night with higher taxes, unemployment, the threat of terrorism, a lower standard of living, an imminent stock market collapse, the outrageous cost of a college education and Obamacare woes … what did I forget? Global warming, road rage, jobs moving overseas, credit card debt, loss of our religious freedom … and now add creepy clowns to the list.
What exactly is the Obama administration doing? This is no time to be asleep at the switch. Can’t our congresspersons draft a law that taxes clown masks the same way the government taxes cigarettes, booze, car washes, hair salons, income, gas, Amazon, home sales, car sales etc. Since when do we have to encourage them to tax?
Clowns are going crazy and scaring people everywhere from Connecticut to New York, New Jersey, Iowa, Georgia, Alabama and Maryland. And the craze, or craziness, is going global from Canada to Australia and the United Kingdom. So far there are no reports in Russia, Venezuela or Saudi Arabia, where they have laws making clown pranks punishable by life imprisonment with no hope of parole.
Most of the incidents have proved to be pranks. In Ansonia, a woman was arrested recently for trying to shut down the high school with threats that killer clowns were coming. And an 18-year-old Ohio woman who was late for work told her boss she was attacked by a clown with a knife. After an investigation, the authorities concluded the teenager was lying and charged her with making a false report.
But think about it. She had a creative idea. We can use creepy clowns as an excuse the same way we blamed our dogs when, say, we didn’t do our homework. Something along the lines of “Officer, I don’t have my driver’s license because a clown abducted me and stole my wallet.”
In Wisconsin, a creepy clown and his female accomplice left their four-year-old home alone because they had more important things to do, like terrorizing the neighborhood … until the cops nailed them for child neglect.
Even good clowns are under a cloud of suspicion. McDonald’s canceled Ronald McDonald’s appearances, and Target, the paragon of political correctness, stopped selling clown masks “out of sensitivity for the issue at hand.” Author Stephen King, who created Pennywise the killer clown, tweeted, “Hey, guys, time to cool the clown hysterics — most of ’em are good, cheer up the kiddies, make people laugh.” But, you ask, what about the others who aren’t so good?
Nowadays, anyone who looks like a clown is suspect, which brings me to our presidential candidates. Donald Trump better stop making those horrifying grimaces and change the color of his orange hair before someone puts out a warrant for his arrest. And you have to admit Hillary’s tortured smiles make her look a lot like Pennywise.
As a nation, we can use this crisis to our advantage. What would Vladimir Putin do if he thought an army of U.S.-trained mercenary clowns was going to converge on the Moscow Circus in retaliation for Russia’s hacking our servers?
As a country we have to come together. We must end the hysteria before it ends us — before it affects the stock market or World Series. Our only hope is for President Obama, an advocate of amnesty for criminals, to grant national amnesty for creepy clowns so they can come out of the forests, restrooms, cellars and locker rooms and join civilized society again.
All is forgiven — unless you’re Donald Trump.
Contact Joe Pisani at firstname.lastname@example.org.