Did I Say That? A solution to political chaos: Monkeys!
When the candidates get into name-calling and political slapstick, I immediately recall those other great leaders who’ve gone before – the Three Stooges, Laurel and Hardy, Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis.
This race follows a long and honorable tradition of mudslinging, pie tossing, bloviating, lying and insulting. The one positive outcome is if all else fails, Donald and Hillary can take their act on the road because they’d make a great comedy team.
With their connections to the entertainment industry, the Democrats could produce a reality TV show somewhat like Lucy and Desi or Burns and Allen. Or maybe Cheech and Chong.
It might be the best thing for our country and help us laugh while everything is spiraling out of control — especially since some polls suggest that fewer than 30 percent of voters are pleased with either candidate, and up to two-thirds have unfavorable views of them. According to The New York Times, out of the 324 million people in the United States, only 9 percent selected these candidates. For everyone else, the choice is between someone who’s wacky and someone who can’t tell the truth.
One pollster from New Hampshire said: “These are the two most unpopular candidates to have ever run for president, at least going back for as long as there has been polling … voter antipathy toward Clinton on the Democratic side is as bad as it is toward Trump on the Republican side.”
Of course, that’s just Americans being Americans. We’re never happy with what we have. Susan Sarandon was grumbling about Hillary even though she made history by being the first woman nominated for president by a major party. On the other hand, Sarah Silverman and Meryl Streep were stumbling over themselves to coronate her, while poor Trump had to depend on Scott Baio, aka Chachi, as his token celebrity endorsement. I’ve always doubted the ability of politicians to solve our problems, and I’m convinced we should turn the country over to celebrities. Kanye West has said he would consider a run for president, and maybe Taylor Swift could be his running mate.
However, there’s another solution, and I found it in Thailand, where there was an amazing political development recently. Even though Thailand isn’t a country you’d normally associate with democratic reform, a group there has influenced the election process like never before … and they could do the same for us. Best of all, the group isn’t financed by multi-billionaire George Soros or have connections to Vladimir Putin. You’re probably wondering who these amazing reformers are and what they can do to make America great again.
The headline says it all: “Band of monkeys raids Thai polling place, disrupts election.”
If primates can solve the political crisis in Thailand, they can do the same for us. I’m so excited I feel like bursting into a chorus of “God Bless America,” but since some Americans don’t like us to mention God, I’ll sing “Raja!” by Lady Gaga instead.
As the Associated Press reported: “Election officials in northern Thailand think they can buy off a gang of monkey vandals with fresh fruit and vegetables after about 100 macaques tore up voter lists ahead of next month’s referendum on a proposed constitution.”
This is the sort of initiative that will end our divisions and bring us together. PETA could get behind it, along with Chiquita Banana and the Green Party.
The AP also reported, “In preparation for the referendum, Thailand’s military government brought in a law that prohibits rude criticism and lobbying. Those who break it face a 10-year prison sentence.” If we had that law in America, both candidates, not to mention George Soros, would get locked up.
If you saw Planet of the Apes, you realize the tremendous possibilities and you’re probably thinking, “How innovative! Monkeys can solve the U.S. political crisis! Are they Libertarians? What are the next steps? Do we need to pass a law or raise taxes?”
NO! It’s much simpler. I recommend that the National Elections Commission and the League of Women Voters conduct a fact-finding mission to Thailand and then take the subway to the Bronx Zoo. With proper legal documents, stolen ID’s and bribes in the form of bananas, they should be able to enlist enough monkeys committed to saving our country.
After that, we’ll put them on school buses and take them to the office of the Registrar of Voters. My campaign even has a motto: “Democrats, Republicans and Monkeys – We’re stronger together!”
I hope Susan Sarandon approves.
Contact Joe Pisani at email@example.com.